One of the most frustrating things for me on this journey towards recovery has been how much patience it requires. I have never been a patient person and I have wanted things done NOW. Recovering from my eating disorder, however, is not going to be a fast process and I’m just going to have to get used to that idea.
That’s easier said than done however, and I dealt with that realization today when I was faced with two other of my serious trigger situations: drinking and family parties. Today was one of the many St. Patrick’s Day celebrations my family partakes in and, as with all parties in my family, it revolves around food and alcohol. Since, I’ve been actively recovering from BED over the past 3 months or so, there haven’t been any huge family parties so I haven’t really had to deal with that trigger.
Because I knew today would be a trigger situation for me, I planned to get up early, get in a little workout and eat a healthy breakfast before going. Well, I forgot about daylight savings time, so the workout didn’t happen and I felt rushed and annoyed with myself this morning. When I got to my aunt’s house, it was mimosas and bagels time and I ate more than my share. After going to the parade for a bit, we came back to the house for more drinks and lunch. I didn’t keep drinking, but some reason, I just ate way more than I needed to. I just starting sampling everything, and before I knew it, I was horrendously full and had binged without even realizing it! I was so upset with myself, and as I was internally chastising myself, I looked down to see that I was still picking at my plate! What is wrong with me?! I had eaten appetizers, a sandwich, cookies, cupcakes, ect.
On the plus side, I did get to spend some time with my boyfriend though, so that was pretty great
On my way home, I was supposed to meet my parents for dinner, but I knew I was way too full, and if I went, I would just order something unhealthy because “I’d already blown it,” so I declined my parents invitation and just went home.
Now, looking back on my actions, I’m trying to distinguish what caused me to binge today. I wasn’t particularly stressed or anything. And, now I’m thinking, that I really just might have been on autopilot. For the past few years, I’ve trained my body to think that family parties are a free for all, and I need to eat whatever I want and whatever I can get my hands on because I was restricting myself the rest of the time.
However, that’s no longer true. I’m not constantly restricting myself and I think I need to continually remind myself to be present when I eat. I know that when I sit down and concentration on my food, I’m so much less likely to binge and overeat, so it’s understandable how at family parties, ect, it’s so easy just to mindlessly shovel food into my mouth.
I’m disappointed with myself, because I know this binge could have been avoided if I had paid more attention to my body and my mindset today. But, I’m glad that I’m beginning to understand my triggers and keep things from getting completely worse. Normally, I would have gone out to dinner tonight and ordered something totally greasy and not at all what I wanted because it was a “bad food” and I’d already been bad.
So I guess I feel like I’ve taken 2 step forward and 1 step backwards in this battle. But, hey, I guess that’s better than 1 step forward, and two steps backwards, right?
I just have to keep reminding myself that I can beat this and I will beat this. But, man, I sure wish it was easier . . .